3 Ways Our (SEND) Parenting Should be Inconsistent (or it should look that way, anyway)

It's said that consistency is the key to good parenting, something which most parents can remember wryly forgetting on purpose as they give in to a screeching demand for screen time while trapped on the motorway in a stationary car. But consistency for SAND (special additional needs and disabilities) families does not look anything like the consistency we associate with "traditional parenting". Traditional parenting relies on children to have developed, or be developing at a fast pace, the skills of emotional regulation, adjustment to change, managing frustration and processing sensory information, to name a few. This means that when you put an allistic or neurotypical child into a time out for example, they can handle the feelings involved in this and process the punishment rationally, resulting in them accepting it, albeit reluctantly, learning from it and changing the behaviour next time.

However, most SAND parents will have found that despite several years of imposing consequences consistently, sometimes to an ever more punitive level, their children's behaviour has become more and more extreme, with violent meltdowns and what appear to be "overreactions" and "random" violence occurring with more and more frequency. What these families are often told, either overtly or tacitly by well-meaning friends, family and society, is that "what that kid needs is a decent smack", or something along similar lines: essentially, this anti-social behaviour is deemed to be due to soft parenting. This in turn leads the parents or carers, out of shame, guilt and often sheer desperation, to continue to enforce ever more weighty sanctions only to find to their exhaustion, dismay and the detriment of their physical and mental health that this only leads to worse behaviour.

How do I know this? Because this is what we tried to do with our daughter for 9 years. And nearly 1 year ago, when she entered into complete crisis which presented as rock bottom self esteem along with suicidal thoughts and detailed suicidal plans, extreme violence inside and outside of the home towards objects and people and animals, a severe regression in life skills such as eating, sleeping and dressing herself and almost a complete shutdown in verbal communication, we had to accept that we'd reached the end of the road of traditional parenting. During this time she was finally diagnosed as autistic with high impulsivity.

That's when we changed everything and realised that we had to become completely inconsistent - or at least look like it. What I hope you'll see is that all of these inconsistent strategies are part of one overarching consistent rule: meet your child's needs, at all times. It's worked wonders for us and I hope it helps for you, too. 

1) Be inconsistent with your expectations

Some childhood experts have a saying, "once a child can do something on their own, never do it for them again". To this I say, a big fat nope. Depending on how a child is feeling, how many triggers they've faced that day, what kind of change they are dealing with and therefore how high their anxiety levels are will massively affect their executive function - that is, their ability to independently achieve life tasks such as dressing, eating and organising themselves. If your child is having a day of low anxiety and feeling calm and motivated by events they are looking forward to, they may successfully manage to choose their clothes, wash, dress and pack their bag, for example. Conversely, on a school day where they are overwhelmed with anxiety, they may not even be able to get out of bed or go to the toilet independently. 

The inconsistency comes in meeting your child where they are at, whether that's making them a list to pack their own bag, or physically dressing them and feeding them. The consistency lies in the fact you are relentlessly loving them and meeting their needs. This builds huge trust between them and you, which is the only way they will eventually be able to progress to more independence, if this is possible. Trust is fundamental to the confidence and calm to raise executive function ability. NB: Sometimes it is right to completely remove the demand, such as letting them stay home from school if there is a particular event happening they cannot cope with. We can't confuse meeting need with forcing them into traumatic situations with our help. 

2) Be inconsistent with your routines

This one sounds especially strange given that a lot of children with additional needs need strong, reliable routines. I'm not suggesting we throw these out the window! But occasionally, a child may feel completely unable to complete a part of their normal routine - or a child with ADHD or high impulsivity may feel overwhelmed by the need to change things up. Ask yourself, is this a dealbreaker? Will the world stop turning if they don't have a wash today? Are we doing anything today that means they actually can't wear pyjamas? Can they eat this meal in front of the telly, or can I make them something quick and less messy that means I can accommodate their needs to do so?

It's paramount to adjust at times when your child is feeling like this, if it is possible to do so.

3) Be inconsistent with your discipline

With children such as ours, it takes a long time to learn who they really are, and how to meet their needs - and they're always changing! With the best will in the world, sometimes we give a natural or unnatural consequence (incidentally, natural consequences are usually the only strategy that helps, but that's for another blog) and our child literally cannot cope. The ensuing storm is not defiance but the desperate attempt at communicating of a child who has had something they perceive as essential taken away. This can change on an hourly basis depending on the child's anxiety levels at the time. Some days a consequence that may be appropriate, such as the removal of a privilege, may be coped with and learnt from. On another day, it may cause such distress as to be utterly futile as an attempt to shape behaviour. We're never going to get this right every single time but what's important is that we adapt and are willing to retract or change a punishment if we think our child is actually being traumatised by it. This takes a lot of nuance and built trust over time, and different communication strategies with your child to figure out the difference between distress and wilful resistance, but it will come.

We basically already implement these strategies to our adult friends already. Taking mental health days off sick from work is now rightly a thing. Cancelling plans because you feel ill is socially acceptable. Not forcing someone to eat something they feel sick when presented with is basic humanity. Yet we so often make inhumane demands of the youngest members of society and then impose draconian measures when they cannot comply, leading to huge trauma, both for neurotypical and neurodiverse children.

These strategies are complex and may seem difficult to learn and put into practice. But as Ross Greene, author of the brilliant Explosive Child says, you'll feel a lot more in control when you figure them out, and your child will feel a lot more secure.

In the Bible, God is described as knowing us intimately. Psalm 139 says:

You know when I sit and when I rise;

    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

    you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

    you, Lord, know it completely.

We can never attain such perfect knowledge of our children. But we can become the ultimate experts on them. We can know them so well we have an innate sense of their needs and adapt accordingly. It's a joy to feel like we are so in tune with our children, and as my daughter says, "it makes everything feel better for me". This is the greatest privilege of parenting, not to find the easy or conventional way, but to truly know and love our children and meet their needs, even when it takes every last bit of our energy. Don't let the world get you down: your inconsistency in loving them is the very consistency your child needs.