Covid-19: "In everything give thanks..."

We're on day 11 of social isolation. There have been a range of emotions thus far, as previous blog posts have illustrated, and many of them haven't been easy. But we, and I think many others, have stumbled upon some real nuggets of joy and blessing in what is ostensibly a pretty good impression of a horror movie.

Here are some "surprised by joy" experiences I've had over the last 10 days.

1) Everything slowing down and stopping
My daily life hasn't necessarily slowed down physically: I now have not a single minute to myself and am now a full-time homeschooling mum of three lively and wonderful daughters. But before the Coronavirus it was pretty common for Aidan & I to have to schedule a night in together each week to make sure we caught up. Life was full of social engagements, school admin, church activities and many responsibilities that have sudden disappeared, leaving the gift of time and energy in their place. Don't get me wrong, I do miss some of it, but it's a lot, and I had to be incredibly well organised to get it all done. Life was 100 miles an hour. There's an immensely comforting feeling of slowness and stillness right now. Coming down from putting the kids to bed and knowing there's not really anything to do or anywhere to go and just wandering into our lounge for church meetings on Zoom instead of battling to get out of the door on time after a day's work is so relaxing. We are very blessed to have a lovely home with a garden to enjoy during this time, with plenty of space for us all, so I am aware this makes a huge difference to how we experience this.

2) Being far more present
As a result of the slowing down and schools shutting, I am now spending more time than I have done for years with my children with absolutely nothing else to distract me. I'm not trying to make tea while worrying about whether we'll be finished by the time the piano teacher gets here or one of us has to leave to meet a friend. It's made me realise that so often when I'm irritated by the kids, it's because there's a time pressure or emotional trigger on the situation (what will our friends think if they arrive now and see my kids/the house like this!), rather than because the issue with the child is beyond my reach to resolve. With nothing else to do, I've found myself pretty easily able to have enough patience and calm to deal with the fights and arguments. This is down to God giving me unlimited grace and strength each day, but humanly speaking, if we are being spread too thin, then cracks are going to show. God made us with finite resources.

3) Not having too much choice
We often struggle to think of what to do and where to go on a weekend. This place or that place, shall we take them for a drink and cake, who haven't we seen for a while, should we have so and so round for dinner? Again, all lovely things. But it's actually been really liberating to be so confined in your choices that you don't expend much emotional or mental energy on making those decisions. I definitely get 'decision fatigue' so it's nice to just know that we either stay at home with our vast list of activities or choose one walk to do. Even with the food shortages at the supermarkets, accepting that I'll cook whatever I can get hold of has been quite freeing!

4) Noticing
We've been going for daily walks in the glorious sunshine, and with no deadlines and the incentive of knowing that you have to make the most of it, I've been pausing to take in the details we used to miss. The delicate colour of buds and flowers, the way the sunlight plays through a glade of silver birches and the breathtaking views of the Yorkshire moors have all lit our life up in the last week. We've been so grateful that we're in a location that holds an array of gorgeous walks from our doorstep so we can easily get out into nature without having to drive anywhere. The walks have also been a time of my brain "defragging" and taking the time to process everything that's going on because there's nothing else crowding into them.

5) Being kind to ourselves
It's such a cliché, but when there's a raging pandemic that shuts down life as we know it, it's patently obvious that being kind to yourself and cutting yourself and your loved ones some slack is a complete no-brainer. I'm not planning on learning to crochet or read the complete works of Shakespeare or anything particularly 'big' over the next few months. I'm just happy if we all get through each day with as much kindness and love as possible. So if the kids want to watch a movie after the 'school' day's finished, it's fine. If I want a glass of wine and a cake on an evening, go for it. If the kids get angry and upset I'm far quicker to offer a hug than to chide them, understanding that it's part of how they're trying to adjust to so much change.

Reading this list back, the question is, why don't we do these things anyway? I am already curious about how we will all assimilate back into 'normal' life once this is over. I don't want to lose many of these blessings and just return to the fast-paced, fraught existence that was our previous norm. There's a sense that while Covid-19 is a symptom of brokenness, it's also here to show us a whole load of things we needed to fix. 

What positives have come out of this for you so far?

Covid-19: "The Lord is close to the broken-hearted, and saves those who are crushed in Spirit..."

It strikes me that we're going to have to do a lot of "speaking to our souls" during this time. It's hard not to let the feeling of sadness and despair set in at times and dominate what, in many ways, is a precious gift to us: of time, of lifted pressure, of slowing, of family time and of reconnection via technology with many friends and family.

The last two days - the first two of our new 'homeschooling' life - have been pretty marvellous. With all the tabs in my head's browser shut down, I've been able to be more present than I have for years with my children. Going for a walk and taking time to admire the blossoming spring flowers each morning has been so peaceful and relaxed. Not rushing around to co-ordinate family life around church meetings, work or social engagements is completely liberating.

More on all that another time.

Today's been a really hard day. As many of you know, I own a small business, one that I've built up myself from scratch over the last 4.5 years and that's gone from a hobby to a quickly growing enterprise that now has another employee and has grown by over 500% turnover in the last 3 years. I had lots of weddings booked in for this year and many other celebration cakes, not to mention the in person classes I regularly run.

And now pretty much all of that is gone - just wiped out. The wedding postponements have been coming in left and right and today I had a postponement for September this year. My heart goes out to all these couples and other businesses that are so affected by all this. And today it suddenly caught up with me how devastating this is for my business.

There's been so much adrenaline in this process so far, with the daily press conference bringing a more serious announcement each time 5pm strikes, me scrambling to adjust to work practices and now becoming a full-time homeschooling mum for the first time ever. At first, I knew my March weddings would get cancelled, then April, and probably May. But to realise that actually I could lose 6 months + of revenue from this and not be able to do the job I love for that amount of time - it really hit me.

I am just one drop in the ocean of people affected financially by the Coronavirus. We're all grieving and unsure, so it feels harder to be able to talk about it and get the support you would otherwise because everyone's in the same boat - or far worse - and everyone's emotionally exhausted. What employed people may not understand is that it's not just the finance (although that represents a significant change for us). It's the fact that something you've created entirely with your own brain and hands, your love and determination and creativity and disappointment and persistence, is taking a few really hard knocks. I've been so used to growing Three Little Birds Bakery, innovating, making things more efficient, improving quality, for so long. I've been in the most amazing atmosphere of growth and now it's gone. And that does hurt.

I am the opposite of a "fixer". While I think helpful suggestions can be suitable at times, most of the time I think when someone's in a pit, we just need to get in there with them, acknowledge how rubbish it is and tell them you're there for them. And it's ok to take the time to grieve something and acknowledge to ourselves that it's sad and it's part of living in a really, really broken world. If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that our world is pretty broken right now.

But, then we need to speak to our souls.

While in my fug this afternoon, I pretty mindlessly opened a little book I've been reading bit by bit - None Like Him: 10 Ways God is Different from Us - by Jen Wilkin. The section I was up to read like this:

"Consider how great the comfort in being personally connected to a God who changes not. From the Old Testament to the New, he is the same. None of his attributes can increase or decrease because each is unchangingly infinite. His knowledge cannot increase or decrease. His His faithfulness cannot increase or decrease.... He simply is these things to the utmost - forever."

That is what I needed to hear. What perspective. Everything is changing right now. Everything is uncertain. But God stays the same. And our eternal salvation stays the same. When the psalmist says, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted" he also says "and saves those who are crushed in spirit". He doesn't save us from all the woes of this world, he solves a far bigger and more serious problem for us: sin.

One verse that has always stayed with me during the whole time I've built the business is this, from James. Chapter 4 v. 13 reads,

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 

I've always tried to be conscious that any success is God-given and transient, and not to put my trust in any sales I get, or become proud. Turns out it's a lot easier to do that when everything is going great than when it all comes crashing down around you! But what was true then - that God is good - is true now and those "solid foundations" of God's will are still what I stand my life upon.

It doesn't mean that my feelings have gone away. But I know there's a reason for the troubles we're going through. I know that everything that's difficult right now is a means of stretching me and teaching me a lesson I need to learn. I won't learn it overnight, just like you can't develop strong muscles overnight - it's painful. Things have to break to be made stronger. But if we keep focusing on the right things we'll learn and grow more mature instead of growing bitter. I'm still in an atmosphere of growth! An emotional and spiritual one that can't be measured by numbers, but is of eternal worth.

There's going to be a lot of getting into the pit with each other in the next few months. But we can make sure there's a lot of speaking to our, and each other's, souls, too.

Covid-19: "Take hold of the life that is truly life..."

I'm lying in bed on a Saturday morning wondering what we'll do today. There isn't that long a list to choose from: cafes, restaurants, and shops are out. Our visit with friends this afternoon is cancelled. Playbarns and National Trust houses are out of the picture.

Tomorrow there'll be no church meeting (apart from on Zoom). We won't be having my mum round for Mothers' Day lunch. It remains to be seen whether we'll be able to get hold of a joint of meat for a roast dinner at any point. I've struggled to even get cans of soup and cheese so far, so it doesn't seem likely.

For the next 3 months and possibly beyond, our only human contact will be with each other, and, assuming we remain symptom-free, by going to shop for supplies, at which times we'll remain 2 metres apart from other humans, and my children will not be allowed to come. This is with the exception of my husband, who will remain going into the school he works in most days in the week, thus heightening our risk of infection as a family and meaning we need to adhere even more stringently to the social distancing measures we're taking.

My business is taking a hit, with 5 wedding cakes cancelled so far and no doubt many more to come out of the 18 booked in for 2020. t's heartbreaking reading the emails from brides and grooms, not to mention the prospect of not being able to pay myself for most months this year.

But I wouldn't have that much time to work anyway, given that from Monday I'll be homeschooling my 3 children - but without the social interaction and trips out that families who homeschool all year round enjoy.

Yes, it's bleak. I wake up in the morning feeling deep apprehension imbued with the sense that this is a surreal bad dream. But in the last week God has spoken to me so clearly in so many ways and I want to share that here. While I am feeling uncertain and deeply sad, I feel an underlying sense of peace and confidence that God is giving us grace for today and will continue to do so. This is part of his plan.

Here are 3 things I've read in God's word this week:

1)  1 Timothy 6:3-10 - 'But godliness with contentment is great gain'

It's a well known verse, but it hit me hard this week as I was struggling with the financial uncertainty for the nation and for my business. Paul is talking about false teachers who wrongly think that "godliness is a means to financial gain". Actually, Paul says, "godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that."

Do I have food and clothing? Yes, and so much more. A beautiful, spacious house to be holed up in. A family of 4 around me to be isolated with. Technology to stay in touch with loved ones. Books, TV, a piano, a big kitchen to cook delicious food in, a garden to play in, lovely walks a step out of my door. But most of all, the Gospel - our eternal hope.

We can be content and we must learn contentment day by day while so much has been taken away from us because we have more than enough.

2) 1 Timothy 6:11-21 - 'Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called'

I read this on a morning when I woke up with my thoughts busily churning over how I responded to this crisis: how I could help, how I needed to pastor my children, how I could still be a good friend. I opened the Bible and read this:

"But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called... until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ."

I'm sure Paul wasn't talking about social distancing when he wrote 'flee from all this' but it gave me a giggle! We may be struggling to grasp what our new roles are during the Covid-19 crisis, but this couldn't be clearer: above all, pursue our Gospel calling. This may work itself out in new ways during this time. There's no question our endurance will have to mature. But our goals are clear. We don't flounder around in the mess of this life with our eyes down, we take hold of the eternal life to which you were called - we fix our eyes on Jesus Christ - his finished work of salvation and his imminent return. Paul also refers to our eternal life as the "life that is truly life" in verse 19. I love that phrase. This life is just a passing shadow of the true life to come - where there will be no virus, or any illness or pain.

Later on in verse 17 Paul says, "Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God".

I think there are a lot of people in denial that this could be happening to our nation, a western country accustomed to an affluent, convenient lifestyle with problems that disappear if you chuck money at them and a sense of entitlement to so much. Covid-19 has brought the world economy to its knees. It's shown that man is not all-powerful and that wealth can crumble in an instant. We are not in control. And so it is pointless to put our hope in wealth as it is totally uncertain, although we can kid ourselves for a while it is. We need to learn to put our hope solely and constantly in God, who is never uncertain.

3) 2 Timothy 1: 7 - 'For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline'.

I read this the morning after the government announced schools would be shutting indefinitely. The night of that press conference I felt at peace - yes, overwhelmed with the prospect and feeling vastly inadequate, but trusting that God would enable me with his power. The morning after, I got up and read this verse. It couldn't be more relevant. God gives us power to do things we never imagined, by his Holy Spirit; to overcome battles we don't have the strength for alone. He gives us a spirit of love - and I'm going to need an eternal well of love to surround my children with over the next few months. We have unlimited love when we're plugged into Christ, the source of the deepest, never-ending love that saved us. And God gives us a spirit of self-discipline - when we're no longer in slavery to sinful passions and whims, we are able to be self-controlled and disciplined - a character trait I will definitely need as I seek to provide some semblance of structure and calm at home.

There are many more things God has revealed to us over the last few days but here are some that have particularly struck me. This morning I read in 2 Timothy 2:8-9, "This is my gospel, for which I am suffering even to the point of being chained like a criminal. But God's word is not chained." Coronavirus may have chained us to our homes, but God's word is NOT chained! It will not return void and it's on us to keep loving his word and speaking it to one another.

God's word is love and peace in times of turmoil as well as times of plenty. We need to hold on to that.